31 January, 2010

迷惘

近发生了很多事情…多得不知道要从何说起。


忙了两个星期,我班英文辩论终于告一段落。不在乎输赢,只在乎过程 — 我真的体会到。我人生中第一场辩论,想起来真的会想笑,双手双脚都在抖,结果只好把纸片放在桌上。还不是手抖得太厉害,看不见纸片上的字体了。第二场的时候,也是很紧张。其实是很不想去准备的,真的有想要放弃,就让他们进入决赛,那我们就不用再花心思在辩论上了。但脑里就好像一直有把声音在说,既然都有机会学习了,为何不干脆做好基本的准备呢?既然都不在乎输赢了,为何就不能当作是一个学习的机会,挑战自己呢?也就是从那一刻开始,我为自己设定了一个目标:战胜手抖的弱点!听起来还真够废的~但想想也不会太废啊,因为手抖毕竟是紧张的症状。能减少手抖的次数,就等于减少了紧张程度。对不对?XD 



我们没在第三场,也就是最后一场获胜。我坚持不用‘输’这个字。总觉得用那个字就好像我很在意没有赢那样。其实整体上这场辩论,是既紧张又兴奋的。当一切都已经结束的时候,我竟然是开心的。真的,连我自己也没想到。短短两个星期,我看见了很多。嘉嘉紧张归紧张,临场仍表现得很有自信。我紧张得半死的时候,她的鼓励还真的有点让人感动。绍辉英文进步了很多,或者我应该说,之前是没什么机会听到他说英文。浩言反驳时的强硬语气,老实说真的是吓倒了我。这么努力地以肯定的语气发言论点,真的是留下了很深刻的印象。佩莹那一组真的是让我佩服得不得了。有备而来再加上那精彩的临场表现,真的是没话说…哪像我们的前两场,说难听一点,有点像是作弊。至于声超那组,一级棒!绍辉那肯定的语气、焕嵚流利的英文和声超犀利的反驳,看了真的很想欢呼的!厉害就是厉害!其实我到现在还是认为,进入决赛的队伍不应该是我们,而是另一队。明明是对方说得比较好,明明是对方的论辩比较强,明明是对方的表现比较好。我不明白…

星期一的《乡愁四韵》来得太突然。在不知道当天要讲解的情况下,我们这组就这样为班上上了一堂课。老天啊,我那时都快被吓得站不起来了!意想不到的是,那竟然是我第一次呈堂的时候,没有面对呼吸困难的问题。很少人知道我每次呈堂的时候,说话都会面对呼吸困难。能够说出话已经很好了,有次还曾经发不出声音。过度紧张,应该就是这个样子吧…接下来的《西游记》,同一天我讲解了两回。也许是因为前一次的呈堂,让我终于踏出了我的第一步。我为自己设下了目标:总有一天,我会有信心的说出我想说的话,不管是上课,或是在日常生活。总有一天,我会踏出那个阴影,不再被它绊住脚步,找回当年我失去了的自信…


其实到现在,我还是不知道我和那个人算是和好了没。他的忽冷忽热总让我捉摸不定,有时我真的会觉得自己很傻。我已经尽量当着没事情了,但看来,这么做只会让我觉得我只是在逃避现实。就像嘉嘉说的,有时是我说话直接,伤到了人也说不定。但我会改的。我想你应该不会看到,但我还是想说:虽然我不知道我们之间到底发生了什么事…但我愿意相信,因为我们还有很长的一段路要一起走。说我傻吧,我愿意等。但愿我等得到。

至于那天……没想到,我竟然在同学面前哭出来了。本来没事的,我只是好好地和朋友通电话。 说着说着,想到了家里不知是不是发生了什么事,想到了很多事情正等着我去做,想到了我对自己的食言,想到了很多很多事情…那时《西游记》还没准备好,辩论稿还没拟好,英文功课还没做完,又来了PJ的事情。忽然感到很慌很慌。那时候真的很怕,又找不到人说话,刚好朋友有空,愿意陪我聊,我就这么走到班外去了。虽然感到很压力,但始终忍得住,都忍了那么久了,还有什么理由不继续忍呢?谁知,我还是哭出来了。还是哭得很丑的那种。老天,我从来没在那么多人的面前那样咧~真的是丢脸透顶了啦~


家里气氛真的很不对劲。他们不说,我也永远不会知道家里究竟是发生了什么事。终于在那么多个星期后看见了弟弟。才刚开始读一年级的他,竟已开始承受读书的压力了。天天回到家就可以倒头就睡,赶完功课就已够累人了,还得温习功课,应付听写。7岁的童年,真的就要这么度过吗?

这个弟弟,他竟坚强得我快认不得他了。被老师歧视的他,可以忍着告诉我们,他不稀罕。还有,在学校撞断了牙齿。牙痛了,拔出来了,流血了,他找了老师,问说有没有药可以让他搽。老师说没药,他就一个人到厕所,把嘴洗干净,再继续上课。下课时还可以买食物吃。一般的7岁儿童,不是应该痛得哭出来吗?他独立得…让我心疼。

这次回家,就像前几次那样,让我又在反省自己。我知道这个学期我一直在给自己压力,逼自己做很多事情。就算是很累或不能了,也会不停地试试看。我不知道我在怕什么。我不知道那个慌张的感觉到底来自哪里。我只知道,从开学到现在,我很容易没有安全感,我很容易担惊受怕,精神时时刻刻都是紧绷的。我甚至已经连续两个星期都在发恶梦了…我到底怎么了?

“谢谢关心~我没事了…”
“我会尽力的,别担心~”
“我已经好多了,真的…”
……

……我做得到的,对吧?

23 January, 2010

Getting Shittier

Just when you thought things aren’t gonna get any shittier, it just did.

I cant believe it. I thought things should get better this week and at least I’ll get to eat RICE. Damn I hate to make myself sound like a beggar or something. I’ve been having instant noodles and biscuits last week and I don’t mind continuing. The problem is THAT IS SO SO UNHEALTHY. I’d get kidney failure sooner than anybody else.

I’m surprised that I actually survived through last week with only RM2.10 in my pocket. And I didn’t spend at all. But I think my roommate’s getting a little bit mad about this. I understand that she’s very worried about my suicidal acts lately. Sorry…

Thanks shinlin and wendy for helping me out last week, with my financial problem. Especially shinlin, I have to say, I owe her a great deal. She forgot to bring her own BSN card and yet she’s helping me to pay off the class fund and also for the book which just arrived. I really hope that I can get my cash soon enough and pay her back. Really paiseh…

They were planning to sleep over at yong’s place tonight. I wanted to join them so much but I know I cant. Going out means spending more and I totally cannot afford to do that, not until I get my allowances. The taiping trip, seniors even offered to lend me money to let me go. Of course I cant borrow. I’ve no idea when I’d get to return them the money.

If the novel is coming this week, if they want to collect RM10 for the calligraphy class, if we need to pay for the class fund again, if I still don’t get my allowances… I really have no idea on what to do anymore.

P/S: I didn’t know I wrote the exact same status with my loupo. XP

20 January, 2010

Feeling Useless

Hahahaha. I cant believe I actually went to bed at 8.30pm last night! And I only planned to nap for half an hour and continue with work. Didnt know I'd actually dozed off till the morning. Woke up around 15 minutes ago. Have to copy out the debate speech into cue cards. TT^TT

The debate thing doesnt have to be this serious frankly speaking. I dont know why I'm giving myself pressure. Maybe it's because I dont want to feel like useless again. Whenever we get group works, it feels like I'm always the one who contributed the least. The others are so hardworking..

Look at the presentation yesterday. Compared to the other three, my powerpoint is like... Rubbish. I felt like throwing everything into the dustbin. Another thing, it wasnt even my turn yet and I was alrdy shivering like crazy. My goodness, the stage fright was really killing me. I couldnt help it. When will I overcome the fear... I wonder.

19 January, 2010

Cant Live Without You

GOOD MORNING WORLD !!!!

I decided to sleep early last night and wake up early too this morning. To continue with the debate speech. My goodness this is a totally new experience coz I've never even seen a debate before. They have debates in penghwa but I was never around to watch them. Now what, debate tomorrow? In front of the whole class? ARGHHHH.

Within a few hours I'll be sweating off another presentation on Journey to the West. This time I'm dealing with chapter 43. Next week will be the chapter 47. But nevermind that, I've still got a week to go. I'm already having butterflies in my tummy discussing this...

The death of the chungling boys shook me to the core and I have goosebumps whenever I hear or think of them. Life can be so easily taken away, so fragile, so... Precious. It was horrible. Imagine sending off your son for koku in the morning, and the only thing you get back is his cold and lifeless body in the evening. They were top students! They were young boys! They have so much more to live on! What the hell just happened? Everything was robbed away and the families my goodness, their families! How heart-aching is that?! I let myself cry over them this morning. Even if I dont know them...

I looked at my classmates when we were discussing about the tragedy. We've only been together for only a few months. And surprisingly, I've already have this feeling towards the class, where I dont want anyone of you to be harmed or anything. Even if we werent that close as the beginning of SEM1 anymore, but please, I still care..

SOBA, please please please take good care of yourself. I really cant afford to lose you guys, to anything! Without you guys, I wont be what I am now. And that has already make you guys a part of me. I wouldnt want to lose anyone of you. DO I MAKE THAT CLEAR?

My family.. I havent seen you for two weeks at least. I'm missing you all a great deal but I promise I'll hang on. Dont worry about me. Have faith in me, I wont give up that easily anymore. Please take good care of yourselves.. Love you..

P/S: I have only RM2.10 in my pocket now. Go me.

17 January, 2010

Bye to the Net

Geez, I never thought that the reason that I couldnt get online at all for the past whole week was that Blocks J and K have poor reception, and hence terrible internet connection (campus wifi). Broadbands are working well, but I dont have one.

The line is pretty good during the weekends. I know I'm being repetitive. XD I actually got on msn, skype, blogger, facebook, hotmail and even DA !!! Everything's just so perfect !!! I talked to jojo and ning today, as in online convos though. Two days just arent enough! Okay I'm greedy. XD

Tomorrow onwards... Awwwww do I really have to say bye bye to the internet? TT^TT

16 January, 2010

SORRY AUDREY !!!!!!!

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT !!!!!
I REMEMBERED THE WRONG DATE !!!
I THOUGHT IT'S ON THE 22TH !!!
I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY !!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE !!!
OMG HOW AM I GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT ?!!!!!!

SORRY AUDREY !!!!!!
SORRY !!!!!!!!

Broke

Just came back from Ipoh Parade with sooyin and also some friends from J15. I now announce...
I'M BROKE.

I was supposed to withdraw money for this week, and then buy some daily necessities. I went to have lunch at Kopitiam Junction, RM11.80 for a meal, acceptable. Transportation fees RM5.80, acceptable. A pair of earrings for RM3.50, acceptable. Advent children postcards RM10, acceptable. Angpaos for mum's collection RM4.80, acceptable. Finally shopping for daily necessities at Giant. I didnt even buy anything at Popular you know! Not forgetting that I have to pay RM25 for the committee t-shirt this week...

And guess what, I'M LEFT WITH ONLY RM7.

If the class fund needs cash, I'll be dead meat. Borrowing money makes me feel... A lil paiseh. (>_<)

Talks

Hmmm, how should I put this... I find it amusing, that sometimes you can just talk to people you werent that close with, and you just talk and talk and talk. And after those hours, you change your mind about things. You start looking at things from different perspectives. The most important thing is, you get to know them more.

I went to shinlin's room to get materials for our presentation and I didnt leave immediately after that. In fact I stayed back and we chatted for quite a while. We discussed about food. PENANG FOOD. Peiyin was asking about penang stuff so I told them about some places I like to go etc. We were wise enough to make ourselves hungry in the middle of the night, gosh. At least I know they love food too. Hahahahaha.

Then shinlin went hyper over FB. I didnt know that it's so easy to get on FB and MSN during the weekends. Apparently the connection is so much better compared to weekdays'. Everyone has gone back to their hometown so there're less people 'fighting' for the connection. XD

Actually I dont feel like going out for the whole afternoon tomorrow. I wanted to stay in the room to deal with my presentations and stuff but I have to go out to withdraw some cash if not I'll have to keep myself alive for the following week with only 10 bucks in my pocket. But yeah, we never get both sides of things. Bear with it.

My eyes are getting sore.. I dont know if I should wake up earlier in the morning to wash my clothes or not. I feel kinda lazy.. XP

15 January, 2010

Fish

I dont know if I'm being ridiculous or what but I AM SO PISSED when I saw this bloody person's comment on Chia's profile picture. WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? Maybe its just a way of speech and also its just me being sensitive.

Sheesh, I notice everytime I say fish as in the real fish are when I'm pissed over things concerned about my friends.

14 January, 2010

烦烦烦

很奇怪耶!打球回来满脸竟是沙!脏得不得了!明明只是打羽球,又没在地上打滚,哪来的沙啊?

今天整天都心不在焉的。刚刚不是接不到球,就是打不过网。丢脸透顶了。两次的双打我从头到尾都像小丑。学人打什么羽球啊……在班上也是。明明已经答应自己说要好好专心读书了,却还能在发呆。不知道讲师今天说的东西我有听进去吗……

爸叫我在29日回家。本来还在犹豫着要不要回的我,可以说是立刻答应了。我知道一定是家人是真的要我回家,我不可能拒绝的。但现在,心里满满是愧疚。看来,我不能和全班一起庆祝浩严的生日了。2010年J16的第一个生日,我竟不能和他们在一起。我是真的真的很想留下来的…… 嘉嘉说没关系的,但要我不去想,不去内疚,那是不可能的。我差点在班上哭了,超够力的。

我越来越肯定,那人对我,是带着些许的敌意的。我不明白是什么事情让他误会我了。但若他不愿意和我坦白,我永远都不会知道。若我做错了什么,我愿意道歉。问题就是,我知道他不会告诉我的。现在我只能做的事,就是希望他不会挑拨离间。我真的真的不能再受到这样的打击了。上一次已经让我伤痕累累,这次呢?

打球后回来,心情有点复杂。很久没一个人漫步了。走着回宿舍时,我想的是下午打球的那几个小时。我本来就完全不会打羽球,握拍也是刚刚学而已,还要我和她们来个双打。分心让我更像小丑。有时我会忍不住退缩,宁愿坐在一旁看着她们。我知道这个想法是不对的,所以我一直都在告诉自己,丢脸就丢脸咯,凡事总有第一次嘛。但今天……老天啊。Cherry, Wendy 她们提早离开去吃晚餐,我选择留下来。就当是发泄。怎知越打越烂。最后和绍辉合作的时候,他一直都在说别在意成绩,最重要是过程。问题就是,我真的无法专心。后来不知是不是我的过度悲观影响了他,他也陪我悲观。越想越欠打。唉……离开gym前哲宣纠正了我的握拍方式,也说了一些要注意的基础。他说羽球不难,先练好手腕,再继续学其他的。看着我之前写的 Resolution,我就把这练习加入我的日常练习了。但愿我能遵守当初自己立下的诺言,学好羽球。至少,要打好基础。

淑晶下去排演歌舞剧了。房里又省下我一个人。我好想念上网,好想念朋友,好想念能在部落格自由发泄的时候。Lappy 出了点问题,无法用 word。我现在甚至是在用着 wordpad 写着的呢。无法上网,无法开始做功课。在这样下去,我会崩溃的。这么多的心情垃圾,也有堆积成山的一天啊。我到底要可以撑多久?

星期六我很想跟佳颍倩慧她们出去。但一想到我不会唱歌,有点怕怕咧。有那么多人在。之前都是嘉嘉陪我唱英文歌的啊。没了她陪我,我会怕啦。

还是快去冲凉好了。迟些又得麻烦 Ivan 帮我看看 Lappy。Word 不能用,要怎么做功课啊。但麻烦他那么多次……唉。TT^TT

I'm pretty sure my English is getting worse.. I have no bloody clue why am I blogging in Chinese again...

05 January, 2010

尝试•领悟

今天算是正式开始上课了吧。本来是三节的华文和两节的数学,却因数学讲师说不进班,便只剩下了三小时的西游记、语音以及文学。我做梦也没想到我有机会修读华文文学。高中时期选择了理科,迈入先修班是也再次选择了物理。两次的放弃,让我以为我不会再碰到它了。

原本的文学讲师还未收到任职信,所以无法报到。我们的文学课,就暂时由另一位讲师接手。第一份文学赏析,是闻一多写的《死水》。由于我们都没有讲义以及诗的拷贝,讲师就干脆叫我们自由发挥,以《死水》命名,写出一篇短诗。我本来还很兴奋的,但想了很久很久,都挤不出人和一个字。失败……

班上其他人大都写出来了。我个人喜欢嘉嘉浩严他们的。简而易解的童诗,让我想起我初次提笔的那份热情;思考性的灰色新诗,让我有了想重新写作的欲望。但是,今天的尝试也证实了我的华文水平已不如初了。看着同学,我不禁怀疑那个可能性了……

02 January, 2010

Before Ipoh

It’s just weird that I don’t feel like going back to Ipoh tomorrow. I mean, not as in don’t feel like going. It’s the way I feel today, as if it’s still a holiday tomorrow, not the day to go back. Wonder if what I said makes sense. XP

Met up with SK, Liyun, Weiyun, Luoyi and Joee today. Had brunch at Subway. I like it! It’s so much cheaper and healthier than McD. XD Luoyi joined us after brunch, at Starbucks. I didn’t notice that it’s actually posh compared to the regular Starbucks around until Wei mentioned it. We talked and talked and talked of course. There was this little kid, I think he’s around four, came to our table just when we were talking about non-kiddy stuff. Hahahahaha. We talked about our rabu-dabu lives again of course. Some of us even wrote our new year resolutions down. Mine was just a draft, but hey, this if my first time too!

They mentioned something about Jianing’s email. Now I’m almost desperate to get online as soon as possible. I just hate to not be around when she’s feeling depressed. It’s just me I know. At least the others could talk to her and I do hope she’s feeling better. Sometimes I don’t even know whether I can help her out or not, me being a lousy PRS. *sigh* I heard them discussing chibitalia cosplay too, but then suddenly the topic went off. I don’t know if it’s something I shouldn’t know or what. Maybe they’re planning to cosplay chibitalia and I cant join and they don’t want me to know as they don’t want me to feel hurt or left out or something. MUST NOT THINK TOO MUCH. One of the resolutions. I’m working on it. Though Luoyi says most of the time we don’t do whatever we listed down. XP
My room is nice and neat. My stuff are ready. Only the flask and whatever I should be wearing tomorrow. Apparently Sooyin is following us to Ipoh. We’re going back together! =)

MY BABY’S GOING TO PRIMARY SCHOOL TOMORROW. =D I’m so proud of him. He’s turning seven. So fast. And I can still remember how cuddly he used to be when he was just a toddler…

Tomorrow’s gonna be tiring. Waking up at 6.30am, leaving for his orientation back at my primary school. At least I get to bathe and refresh myself before setting off to Ipoh. Mum and I was thinking that we might not be able to put our belongings into places by tomorrow. Coz by the time we reach our hostel and after dinner, it might be late evening already. So might as well sleep early and get to work the next morning.

Obviously I wont be sleeping early. SOBA NEWSLETTERS.