03 August, 2011




I saw that email and that message.. Suddenly something clicked on the inside.. And my eyes turned wet.. Does this mean that it's over..? I really hope it is.. I want everything back to normal..


I had enough.. I really had enough.. I don't want anything anymore.. I won't ask for anything.. I won't hope for anything anymore.. I'm tired.. I'm really tired.. I just want everything to be normal.. I won't ask for more.. 

That "Nightmare Come True"

I could hardly breathe.. I tried to hold back everything, to put the curve back on my face.. I kept getting the cold shoulder. I don't have anyone to turn to, but to face it. Tauruses are poor at cold war. I can keep on waiting, but only if there is something for me to wait.. I kept waiting, waiting and waiting.. But may I know.. What is at the end of the road.. I'm terrified of the night, I'm afraid of sleeping.. I always make sure I can settle down, to really sleep when I close my eyes.. I've failed to do so for a few nights.. What can I do.. I don't know.. I can't even say I wanna go home.. Going home is just the same, I'll just face another kind of problem.. Why does it seem like I have nowhere to go.. Why can't things be solved through discussion.. We all have problems.. We cannot compare our situations.. Going home makes me feel like I'm stuck in between.. And with everything like that I totally can't do my assignments.. Staying here is just slightly better.. I can always deceive myself, that there's always a rainbow after the hurricane.. That dream.. That nightmare that night.. It came true.. Everything's happening.. I'm suffocating.. I don't know why the hell am I doing this to myself.. 

I'm a Fool

I shouldn't have hoped, I shouldn't have expected anything. But what I wanted was very simple. A simple meal turned out into something that ruined everything. My hard work, my plans, my effort, my hope. I have big plans, but nothing seems to be right. No one can change within a day, not to mention a night. So time will be the judge. However when even time is not given, I have no single clue what I can do to make the situation better. I don't know how. Why is it like this.. I had to lie to parents and friends to cover up everything. Everything has to be sealed up. Even crying is a sin.. I wanted to sleep over everything, but then I realised.. I can't even afford to sleep so much anymore.. And even sleeping is a challenge..

I thought no one noticed, yet many did. 
I made a fool of myself..

I always miss SOBA's shoulders when I yearn for someone to lean on.. But when I reached our wall, I don't even have the courage to tell them I miss them..

01 August, 2011


I woke up feeling something heavy pressuring my heart. I feel panicky, yet I know what I was supposed to do after getting myself fresh. I started printing out my first assignment for the semester, and I'm still feeling very uneasy. I reached the classroom feeling hungry, as I didn't get to eat breakfast in time. Suddenly Francis noticed that I printed his matrix number incorrectly. Both him and I know that it's not a big deal, we settled everything with liquid paper. Just, I don't know why this simple incident scarred my mood, and everything started to pour out. All the unhappy and uneasy pieces, everything started to be unearthed. Nobody sensed me feeling unhappy, even him. And I didn't even realize this fact till a classmate asked me what was wrong. I guess only her noticed. That was the only time I knew something IS wrong. I don't feel right at all and I chose to go to the toilet to chill out. Everything became worse when "it" happened.. 

Sometimes I wonder, are promises meant be to broken?