First-time Hesitation

It's a gloomy morning. I feel like a zombie, wandering every single corner in the house, thinking of what to do. Didnt have the mood to have snacks, neither the mood to fool around online. Tried to teach my baby his chinese spelling and also his math, but he cried, again. I didnt know what to do and gave up...

I signed into msn, and looked at my friends' msn pm's one by one. After reading thru all the 129 messages, I sat quietly in front of this rectangular box and stared into space. Eversince I started using msn, I notice, that I seldom approach my friends online. Only some close ones, like SOBA and D.Gay-people. Others... If I ever nudge or call them, it should be for reasons like 'how are you' and 'are you okay' if I sense anything unhappy from their messages. Other than these, no, I stay quiet online. I dont know, but it's like, I can stay online for ages and nobody actually notices or something. Most of you think I'm super active online, I can fight online, I can blab online, and go high over random stuff. But still, I think I can be pretty quiet too. It's not that everytime I sign into msn, I go crazy and have fun all day. Sometimes its more like lepak. Many told me WAH ONLINE YOU SO ACTIVE AH. SURE BANYAK ORANG CARI YOU KENG GAI. I can be, but not always. Jeez, I find myself pathetic in a way...

I'm going back to Ipoh tomorrow. This time, I'm not sure whether I'm happy or not. A little part of me is looking forward to the study weeks, where I should put every single bit of me into it. I want, and hope, that I can put my head into it and stop getting distracted by things around me. I'm gliding off course. Meanwhile, another small part is like, more of hesitation to go back...? I dont know, I'm confused so I'm not really sure what I'm saying here.

Obviously there's only three reasons (or you can say problems SOMETIMES) which can possibly be behind all these. Firstly, my studies. That's definitely one factor but I'm going to face no matter how hard it takes. For my family. Secondly relationships. As I've mentioned, no I have no bf's and no, eversince my crush ended I have no tinglish feelings towards anyone. Even if I do, I think it's just something a little bit more than frienship, perhaps friends that I can share my problems with. That's all. I refuse to think of anything more than that. I hate to say this but I think it's a super potential distraction. Lastly frienship. I still feel insecure you know... I know its normal, I've only knew them for like 3 months. I really like them, they're great people. But I cant help feeling alone sometimes. Whenever I stopped and stood to see them walk pass me, I see friends in groups and pairs. I know I shouldnt sound so emo, but I cant help thinking that even if I decide to quit from this course or disappear mysteriously one day, no one would actually care... Even if they dont dislike me (or neither like me?), I still feel alone half of the time. Sheesh my roommate's so gonna kill me if she sees this. But hey, even if she DOES want to kill me, I dont mind. Hahaha. I'm grateful to have her as my roommate. She's always by my side when I faced problems.

SOBA I miss you really much... I need hugs...

The Reminder

Just came back from Kulim. My gurranto (however it spells) held a house warming party. The trip might be tiring, but she helped us a lot so it could be considered a must. =) Jasmine's four already, and today's the first time I played with her. She used to run and hide behind her dad whenever she sees me. She played and squealed so excitedly, and she even let me hug her when I bid her goodbye...

Mum cried when we wanted to leave. It seems like every time I come home, it's to remind me: There's a reason, and also a goal to reach, for me to study in Ipoh. I must not fool around anymore. My parents are waiting for me to graduate and deep inside my heart, I am very sure that they are hoping that I'll be able to help them out. They've never told me anything, for I know they dont want me to worry about them. But still... I'm the kind of person that put my family and friends ahead. Worrying over my family's problems is getting more and more frequent, despite the fact that I'm studying in Ipoh and not facing everything that's happening at home.

A few of my classmates and I were playing what you call 真心话大冒险 a few nights ago. Of course, topics on relationships were mentioned and two seniors joined us too. A senior even brought up sensitive topics like prejudice between people and stuff. Orz. I was asked about considering looking out for a bf there or not. My answer was a maybe. To be frank, I did considered looking for one. Has always looked forward to one eversince I had my first crush. XD But now... I'm hesitating. Not only now, I felt that way eversince after SPM. Many things have happened and my ways of looking at things have definitely changed. I now treasure my family and friends more than anything else in the world. Sometimes even more than my studies. Yes, even my studies. And that's why my parents are getting worried too. I think I'm neglecting my studies. I'm having too much fun in Ipoh. I'm not working hard enough. My results are going downhill. I'm going to die out of shame soon.

I hate things that make me feel insecure. I dont like things that make me go panicky. These things will distract me from my studies. Now, my studies can be equivalent to my family. It represents a great deal. So it can be said that I'm actually studying for my family now. I have to work hard. There's nothing more I can do to help them, which sometimes makes me feel so useless that I actually headdesked...

I think, it's time for me to settle down. And also, to put some things aside...

Haru Haru

BIG BANG - HARU HARU

Yeah
Finally I realized
That I'm nothing without you
I was so wrong
Forgive me

Ah ah ah ah -

Padocheoreom buswojin nae mam
Baramcheoreom heundeullineun nae mam
Yeongicheoreom sarajin nae sarang
Munsincheoreom jiwojijiga anha
Hansumman ttangi kkeojira swijyo
Nae gaseumsogen meonjiman ssahijyo say goodbye

Yeah
Nega eobsin dan harudo mot salgeotman gatatdeon na
Saenggakgwaneun dareugedo geureokjeoreok honja jal sara
Bogosipdago bulleobwado neon amu daedabeobtjanha
Heotdoen gidae georeobwado ijen soyongeobtjanha

Ne yeope inneun geu sarami mwonji hoksi neol ullijin annneunji
Geudae naega boigin haneunji beolsseo ssak da ijeonneunji
Geokjeongdwae dagagagijocha mareul geol su jocha eobseo aetaeugo
Na hollo gin bameul jisaeujyo subaekbeon jiwonaejyo

Dorabojimalgo tteonagara
Tto nareul chatjimalgo saragara
Neoreul saranghaetgie huhoeeopgie
Johatdeon gieongman gajyeogara
Geureokjeoreok chamabolmanhae
Geureokjeoreok gyeondyeonaelmanhae
Neon geureolsurok haengbokhaeyadwae
Haru haru
Mudyeojyeogane

Oh girl I cry cry
Your my all (say goodbye)

Gireul geotda neowa na uri majuchindahaedo
Mot boncheok hagoseo geudaero gadeongil gajwo
Jakkuman yet saenggagi tteooreumyeon amado
Nado mollae geudael chajagaljido molla

Neon neul geu saramgwa haengbokhage neon neul naega dareun mam an meokge
Neon neul jageun miryeondo an namgekkeum jal jinaejwo na borandeusi
Neon neul jeo haneulgachi hayake tteun gureumgwado gachi saeparake
Neon neul geureoke useojwo amu il eopdeusi

Dorabojimalgo tteonagara
Tto nareul chatjimalgo saragara
Neoreul saranghaetgie huhoeeopgie
Johatdeon gieongman gajyeogara
Geureokjeoreok chamabolmanhae
Geureokjeoreok gyeondyeonaelmanhae
Neon geureolsurok haengbokhaeyadwae
Haru haru
Mudyeojyeogane

Nareul tteonaseo mam pyeonhaejigil (nareul itgoseo saragajwo)
Geu nunmureun da mareulteni yeah (haruharu jinamyeon)

Charari mannaji anhatdeoramyeon deol apeultende um
Yeongwonhi hamkkehajadeon geu yaksok ijen
Chueoge mudeodugil barae baby neol wihae gidohae

Dorabojimalgo tteonagara
Tto nareul chatjimalgo saragara
Neoreul saranghaetgie huhoeeopgie
Johatdeon gieongman gajyeogara
Geureokjeoreok chamabolmanhae
Geureokjeoreok gyeondyeonaelmanhae
Neon geureolsurok haengbokhaeyadwae
Haru haru
Mudyeojyeogane

Oh girl
I cry cry
Your my all
Say goodbye bye
Oh my love
Don't lie lie
Yo my heart
Say goodbye



I can only say, I'm addicted to this song for now. XD

Bleh bleh..

First day of my deepavali holiday in Penang. And voila !!!! I woke up at 12pm !!! WOOHOO ~!!!! Okay this is so piggy. Hahahaha. It's been like weeks since I last slept till so late in the morning (actually noon) and waleh, it's blardy good !!! XD

The only thing is, I seem to have flu whenever I come back home. Not used to air-conditioned rooms. Fans in my hostel room is enough to make me shiver early in the morning already, not to mention ac rooms at home. *gulps* Last night I even slept with long sleeves, long pants and double blankets. Even so, I now have red swollen eyes and a runny nose. Good 'wantan' production too. XD

.........I dont really know what to do today. So I went to upload the merdeka trip's piccies. Dont plan to tag anyone at all. They'll find out eventually anyway. XD Time really flies man, it's been 3 months in Ipoh already. Assignments have slowed down and exam's just around the corner. It seems like we're going to have study leaves. Wont have to attend classes, so I can just rest in the room and study quietly. =)

Sien, stuck...

Bleh..

My presentation was.... I dunno. I know I shivered a great deal that's all. I think my voice was too. *hides* But still, it's finally over, and I wont have to worry about it anymore, I think. XD

It's deepavali's holidays. I have 4 days' break and here I am, home in Penang again. Actually it's no other than normal weekends, just that it has two extra days. Wonder if it makes a difference. This trip is homework-less, assignments-less, and less stress. XD I brought back my chinese history textbook, though I doubt I'll read it. XD

I'm lazy to continue writing tonight. See ya!

Finished

FINALLY !!!!!!!!! XD I've been working on the powerpoint for my 'Journey to the West's presentation for the past few hours and VOILA ~~~ HABIS DESU !!!

I'm supposed to present Chapter 33 at noon today. Another frightening thing to do. Most of you who know me will understand how much I shiver when it comes to presentation. I just dont really like to talk about something like homework in front of a crowd. It's.... frightening. OTL.

Luckily I can finish this and finally have a rest of at least an hour. Hahahaha. Well, I have to be grateful right? XD

Mum and dad, I'm only two days away from you now. Love you. =)

看着课业想家

以我的华文程度，以前在中学还混得过去，来到了这里却得挣扎得快喘不过气了。今夜的我又想熬夜了。这次是为了读熟我负责呈堂的《西游记》第33回。我看来看去，也已经看了整整五遍了，却还有很多部分都不明白。看着勤劳的组员们在班上已经开始练习的时候，我怕得差点哭出来了。我之前在读着的时候，已经在一边读、一边摘录要点了。虽说只差吧要点好好整理一下就行了，但我的额头仍在冒汗。

我今晚特别想家了。看着手上这份功课，眼泛泪光的我，愿能尽快赶完它，赶紧回到家人身边……

Mail Gone

WHAT THE HELL. I finally get to reply SOBA and I was typing so happily for so many paragraphs and then POOF. Hotmail went HANG and my mail werent even saved in the drafts! SHEET.

I dont know why but I find it hard to sign into hotmail here. Logging into blogger is so much easier and faster. Thats why I couldnt update you guys with emails. And thus you'll see more here. Was thinking since I cant mail, I'm trying my best to update things here. Just to let my dearies know how I'm doing. =3 Susan I know you ada visit here sometimes. =) Can you help me tell them that I cant really check my mails that regularly? Thanks. *glomps* ^^

Still Dumbfounded

I cant believe what I've just heard a few hours ago. A friend from another class told me, that he found my blog easily when he googled for his assignment research. I was kinda shocked. I think I blushed. To think that my bloggy is found by someone so easily. Not to mention when it was found for an assignment research. Orz. Must be the bequests of love thingey... I guess this explains the sudden increase in the number of visits recently.

And that wasnt it. When I told my roommate that, she said, I know ah. I found it too. OH MY GOD. That was then I realized something. Whoever googled for the short story could have found me so easily as my post is actually the THIRD link. *screams and faints*

Calmed down after a minute or two. I should have known this when I started blogging. Dont think it's a big deal anymore. If things are too private, I wouldnt have written about it here right? XD

I'm still shocked though... *holds back the intention to pull hair*

心烦的中秋夜晚

心情很复杂。我也不知道我在心烦些什么。应该和中秋没关系，因为我一向都没庆中秋的习惯。班上有些同学听见我没拜月亮后就露出很惊讶的表情。我相信我不是唯一没庆祝中秋节的吧。手机信箱里尽是来自怡保同学的中秋祝贺信息。我终于开始注意中秋了吗？

本来是要和主恩约出来见面的，但计划又泡汤了。这次回家特别劳累，也觉得很心烦。感觉上，我是不该回来的。看着手上的这份课业，心里总觉得闷闷的。FB 那里看见学姐说怡保没下雨，和学妹们过了个很开心的中秋夜晚，我竟羡慕起来了。我甚至还在想，若这夜我没回来，独自在宿舍房里看看书、听听歌也是挺不错的。我竟不想回家……

我还是别想太多了。赶紧做完手上的工作，就上床睡了。明天就会再见到班上同学了，要打起精神！

Dont ask me why, I dont know why am I blogging in chinese tonight either.