30 May, 2016

Breached

There is a kind of moment, when I think I'm unable to do anything.

Unable to talk to anyone.
Unable to express my feelings. 
Unable to withhold all negative thoughts.
Unable to motivate and give myself positive input.

And all I want to do is nothing but scream.

When there's no place to scream, I resort to writing, which is why I never deleted this place in the first place. I don't write frequently anymore. I ALMOST DON'T WRITE ANYMORE. 

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Being sent to Johor is a blessing in disguise. The people here knew nothing about me, and I started a new life. I learn how to talk to people, I learn how to communicate with colleagues. Eventhough people keep on reminding me to keep an arm's length with my colleagues, deep inside I believe true friendship exists in the office. 

I learn that I could be accepted the way I am. I don't have to avoid wearing fitting clothes to hide my flabs. I learn that I don't have to hold back from eating my favourite food to look better, I just have to exercise more! Everyone here is being supportive, and I've met people who have faith in me. That faith, kept me going. 

2016 is one hell of a challenge. I was assigned with responsibilities. I even made a bold decision to further my studies when I knew I'd suffer from stress at work. Nevertheless, stress is nothing when compared to the sacrifices I made. I sacrifice all my school breaks. I don't get to see my family and my boyfriend more than 5 times a year. I am not there when they need me..

I keep myself busy every single day. I search for goals and motivation. I don't want to face the fact that I can't go home when I could, when everyone else can. I have packed schedules every week, I refuse to feel depressed. I know I'll break down if I do.

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Things just never go the way we want. Just when I think things can't get worse, it just did. 

I am not as good as people think. I am not as cheerful as I look. I am not as positive as you see. I just put a great deal of effort in motivating myself, and suppressing all the unwanted emotions.

I cry, I hate, I break.

Progress is progress, even if it's just a small one. I know.
There are people with worse situations out there. I know.
I'm blessed, I wake up everyday with a roof, family and food. I know.
Things will get better, just don't give up.

BULLSHIT. 

So what if things get better slowly? How does that make things better when your loved ones are not around anymore when things are finally okay? What are all the sacrifices and hard work for?!

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Fifteen years, it's been fifteen years.. 

I don't look back. 
But when I do, it hurts so much that I break. 

18 July, 2015

A Friend in Need, is a Friend Indeed

I've been reflecting on many things lately and some concerns never left me. Even till now. What I'm going to talk about tonight is one of them. 

Life has been busy for the past few years ever since I started my practicum days. The pace never slowed down, and it was a year or two before I noticed that I have let go of many things I hold dear to me. My hobbies, my interests.. 

My friends.

It's not like I lost my friends when I was too occupied with work, though metaphorically it can be considered so. One day, it just hit me. Hardly. "What's going on? What the hell is going on?" It's like I lost contact with my good old friends. I can't believe I buried myself in work. Right at that moment, I had this fear in me that I might have lost them, my precious friends.

I started taking up the initiative to contact them, to keep in touch. Being busy isn't an excuse, I know that. Everyone else is busy too, it's not like I'm the only one doing all the labour. I shouldn't expect others to initiate the conversation. It takes both sides' effort to maintain a relationship. 

Despite having loads of work, I tried to spend some time to reconnect with them. Some of them are staying at places with a different time zone, so I chose the time of the day which they are more likely to be able to talk. I hit the walls for quite a few times, everyone was really busy. And that just made the fear grew even worse.

I was sad and angry of myself. I let this all happen. 

It was until tonight  -- A call lifted the boulder and I have never felt so contented for such a long time.

I came across a video on Facebook which I thought my good old buddy would love, and sent it to her. We started talking about random updates of each other's lives, and everything was so heart-warming. That was then we started talking about some problems each of us faced for the past few years. You see, she is one of the friends aforementioned, whom I held dear and yet we both stopped talking. 

We didn't knew that we both were having depressing moments. We just kept it to ourselves. Sometimes when you have too much in mind, all you could do was to keep quiet and think about it on your own. It was like we could solve the problem if we tried hard enough to figure out the solution. We have internal conflicts. We know the rights and wrongs, it just hurts to face the truth.

We haven't talked like this for years, but this 40-minute call we had.. It was like the gap never existed. We knew that we would be there for each other even if we never talked for months or years. Even if I was afraid that I might have lost her, subconsciously the trust was there all the time. I believe, that is the reason was why I never gave up in maintaining this relationship. 

I thought about all the times we've been through. I remember clearly most of the moments we created together. I felt bad that I couldn't be there for her when she needed a shoulder to lean on. Even if she couldn't talk, I could at least let her know clearly that I would and will still be there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to. Tears welled up in my eyes when I thought of how stupid I was to worry about nonsense. 

Friends. Close friends. I am too blessed to have them in my life. I have this sense of security when I think of them. We grew up together, as in we saw each other growing from innocent young girls into matured-thinking ladies. 

We might get carried away with heavy workloads and somehow lose sight of significant things in our lives. We might not even see or talk to each other for a long period of time. Nevertheless, deep inside, you know they are there for you. They always are. Miles of distance doesn't separate us.

We're just words away from each other. ;')


27 January, 2015

I Call It, A Meaningful Day

There were rumours before this, regarding the release of posting results on the 26th, which is today. (Well, technically yesterday.) Nevertheless I woke up carrying very less hope, I even woke up at 11am in the morning. And yes, the results ARE NOT out yet. *sigh*

I notice that I tend to work a lot when I am alone. It's like I can plan my own schedule, and I actually get motivated to carry out chores according to plans. Reflecting on what I did today, I surprised myself. 

I woke up to find no one at home. HOME ALONE WOOHOO. And there wasn't any CALL ME note on the table. (You see, whenever I wake up late in the morning, mum would leave me a note to ring her, and then she would give me orders on what to do before she comes home.) I sat on my usual computer chair and spaced out for a while before I went to freshen up myself. And guess what, I started cleaning the house.

Starting with the hall, I threw away all the rubbish and started sweeping. Ended up sweeping and mopping the hall and the kitchen. Did laundry. And heaps and heaps of clothes, to reorganize our closets. It took me an hour or two to finish everything before I sat down for an episode of a Hong Kong drama series. 

Mum came home, I helped to prepare long beans for dinner. Helped her to pack freshly fried Chinese New Year snacks into those red prosperous-lucky-looking lidded containers. Helped dad to move the furniture in our hall to let him paint the walls. I started working on CNY decos! By the way, the above mentioned three things were done simultaneously. GO ME!! 

After the painting and snack packing, I continued working on making CNY lanterns with red ribbons. Erm, might consider writing about it if it turns out to be good. I almost skipped dinner! I do tend to skip meals when I get too engrossed in reading or handicraft hehehehe. By the time I stopped, it's already near 9pm. 

ISN'T MY DAY MEANINGFUL ENOUGH? =D

Anyway, according to the papers, posting results for Johor will be out tomorrow. Fingers crossed, but I do hope it's real this time. I've waited long enough. It's not like I yearn to get into Johor, it's just that this never-ending wait gets very tiring in a way. All I want is a result, though I know I will have to leave in a rush the minute I know my posting's location. 

Can I be greedy? 

I wanna know the results, but can I have enough time to prepare myself before leaving home? 

*gets kicked off cliff*

25 January, 2015

Erm.. HI?

This is.. Ridiculous. I gave myself too many excuses, sufficient enough to let me abandon bloggy THIS long. When I logged into my dashboard, it seems like nothing much has changed. I can't believe it was just within the last ten posts where I mentioned that I'd never ever abandon blogging.

And I have decided that I should not, and will not. I will definitely need more determination and motivation to write regularly. It's not about what I have to write about, it's more like whether I WANT to write or not. Obviously I've been procrastinating on blogging for a really long time.. My previous post was written in December 2013, more than a year ago wth.

For the past three minutes, I was merely typing and correcting my grammar mistakes (whenever I find one) without even having a clear idea on what I want to write. I am plainly trying to fill in lines and lines of crap. 

Okay, latest updates.

I have graduated from my education degree course. I am currently waiting for my posting as a primary school teacher in Malaysia. I don't have a single clue where will it be. So I basically can't even pack my luggage or stuff related to work. It will come anytime, and when I get it, I will have to finish packing in a rush to report myself at the Education Ministry of the respective state.

In short, I AM JOBLESS.

Thank you very much. *sigh*

06 December, 2013

Addition to My Collection!


I got them from IKEA! 
Are they pretty? =3

I'm still thinking what to make using these darlings.
I need suggestions. ><



03 December, 2013

Invictus

 
INVICTUS (2009)
Starring Morgan Freeman, Matt Damon

I've been watching some movies I stored up in my externals, and I came across this film which I never thought that I'd like it. You see, I have this habit where I'll google a bit for film plots before watching the film itself. I just don't feel like wasting time on watching something I don't like. 

The film is about an inspiring true story of how Nelson Mandela, President of South Africa united the country with the help of Francois Pienaar, caption of Springboks, the national rugby team. Being the first black president, Mandela faced challenges where racial division between the white and black South Africans exists. Mandela believed that Springboks' victory in the World Cup can unite the country.

I do not have the ability and confidence to write a good synopsis for the film, so I found a link to share. Click here (Full Synopsis) if you are interested in the full synopsis. By the way it contains spoilers. =P

I would like to share a few parts of the film which I like best. =)

FIRSTLY, the short Victorian poem which inspired Mandela in the prison -- "Invictus".
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
My favourite lines are the last two. We are responsible for our own life. We take the responsibility for everything we have done, resulting in everything we face. We work hard and strive to reach our ultimate target, not giving up to hardships on the way. 

SECONDLY, the scenes where the citizens, both white and black South Africans, cheered for Springboks. Initially, the blacks cheer against the team as the mostly-white Springboks represents apartheid. 

It teared me up when I saw the citizens supporting the team throughout the final match. Springboks was having a hard time but Francois motivated them. The South Africans cheered for them, showing great support. Their cheers and sighs, I felt them. I felt like I was being pulled into that scenario, feeling the tension of the atmosphere. When Springboks won, it was so touching to see the citizens celebrate in unity.

THIRDLY, this film has awesome soundtracks! Below is the playlist I found on YouTube:


INVICTUS OST (Playlist)


I find this film very inspiring, as in not giving up in life. I am also happy to see that there are leaders out there who are really trying their best in uniting the country. I have friends from different races and religions, and we respect each other, enjoying life together though they are not my very very close friends. I appreciate the chances where I get to learn more from them, and we enjoy the learning process together. I know racial discrimination still exists in our country. Sometimes I just wish that I can see exact effort that bears fruit.

Seeing my students getting along with each other happily regardless of their skin colour and beliefs, the same question pops out every now and then:

Why can't we, the adults be like them?

To end this post, these two are my favourites from the playlist. =3


"COLORBLIND" by Overtone

"WORLD IN UNION '95" by Overtone with Yollandi Nortjie

26 November, 2013

Strawberry Craze!


Fresh from Cameron Highlands, at RM5 per box!
It's like heaven! ♥

23 November, 2013

Butterflies in My Tummy



Forgive me for not telling the reason, yet.
Well just in case I jinx anything.
*gulps*

Wish me good luck!

21 November, 2013

The Awesome Internet

I have been home in Penang for a week already. My year end break has already begun! To be frank I think I really did made the past whole week look like a holiday. I didn't even take up a pen, I didn't do anything which I consider meaningful enough. The best things I've done throughout the week are like, taking over all the house chores, giving my younger brother morning revisions, helped out my dad at his stall once, and a belated birthday celebration for the elder younger brother and dad. Hmm.. Yep, that's pretty much the best I can list out.

On the other hand, two major less-meaningful (I think using the word 'meaningless' is too harsh, these were some of my best hobbies!) stuff I've been doing for the past seven days were.. as below.

THIS

I used to share a Nintendo GBA with Yu Kee. He played Pokemon FireRed while I played Pokemon LeafGreen. I didn't get to finish my game because the GBA broke down before I could. =( 

I'm now playing the PC version! And there are so many advantages when compared to playing with the GBA. I get to save and play multiple accounts. I get to save at ANY time I want, this is freaking important when you encounter rare pokemons. XD Last but not least the best part, SPACE BAR SPEEDS UP THE GAME. 3 minutes' game accomplished in 1 minute, best of the best!! 

and THIS!!

I've also been reading mandarin novels! I know some friends refer these books as 'low-class cheapskate monotonous love' stories. I respect those opinions, but that doesn't mean I agree about everything. I just enjoy reading them. These books played an important role in my high school life, I started writing my own mandarin short stories and poems after reading these. Of course they're not super good quality best sellers, but one of the poems I wrote was actually chosen and published in a magazine okay. =P (Obviously getting more and more syok sendiri.)

I used to save up almost all of my pocket money to buy novels, which is an act which I still cannot comprehend until now. I mean, what in the world was in my head to make me spend ALMOST ALL of my money on that?! I remember getting so addicted that I can borrow more novels from friends and read up to three books per day, in a sitting. ==

Anyway I'm reading online now. XD I don't have to buy them anymore, I even get to follow every single book my favourite authors wrote online, and I can follow the series now! It's heaven! All books within a few clicks! How I wish I can read the english best-sellers like this too. =(

Think, the Internet is just so awesome. I don't need the GBA to play my favourite childhood game anymore, I can even play several versions other than my favourite one. I don't have to buy these novels to read them anymore, I can just get them online from a variety of websites. 

I mean, I COULD HAVE SAVED SO MUCH MONEY. D:

I didn't have internet access at home until I was 17. The only websites I knew before that were Google and Yahoo. Amazing leh? The only things that occupied my daily life were books, my phone MP3 and the radio. Without the internet, I treasured everything so much coz it took me effort to have access to all the things I like. Until now, I still hate to throw my collections because of that. ><

The internet sure has made my life a lot more easier, but it makes me treasure things I can't get via the internet even more. =)

I shall continue enjoying my internet luxury for a few more days, and then I'll find something more meaningful to do. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! XD

14 September, 2013

Swollen Knee


THIS is the look of my left knee, right now. 

11 weeks ago (less than 3 months), I took my first Taekwondo grading in five years. When I was performing one of the kicks, I lost my balance and I attempted to land my foot without falling onto the ground. I stressed my left knee without realizing it, and I literally heard a 'TAK' sound when my foot landed nicely. The whole leg felt numb almost immediately but the senses came back after a short while. That was also why I didn't take it seriously.

I felt the first pain 6 weeks ago. I couldn't bend my left knee, and finally I couldn't walk nicely. I looked like a duck waddling. == Mum got worried and suggested that I should see the 'shifu' to give it a good massage. I did, and apparently my left knee was swollen. After some good massage and the knee bandaged up with chinese herbal medicine, the pain eased on the second day. I rested for a few days and everything went back to normal.

Last night, for the second time, this swollen left knee brought so much pain that it affected my leg's movement. I think it's my fault for bringing myself so much pain this time. We had this Independence Month Closing Celebration at the school and I was in charge of the 'kolam' activity. The 'kolam' is like forming an illustration on the floor with coloured rice, it's an Indian tradition. 

I was told that I only had to supervise the pupils doing it, so I wore high heels to school that day. I vaguely remember how it happened, but in the end some of the teachers (including me) joined the pupils in the fun. For two whole hours, I stood up and knelt down several times, and this movement put a lot of stress on my knees. 

Mind you, I was wearing HIGH HEELS. Yay, I'm a genius. 

I didn't feel the pain until that night, after I reached Penang. Luckily I came home, parents brought me to the 'shifu' again, and he exclaimed 'WAH SO SWOLLEN AH?'. Like the first time, massage and bandage. Now my knee is all wrapped up again as shown in the photo above.

I felt like slapping myself on the face, really. I regret not taking my old injury seriously, and ended up putting my knee through that pain again. I can't walk nicely, and I have to rest it again. The worst thing is, my knee will not be as strong as before anymore. I'm not encouraged to strain it too much, and I might get rheumatism later. Shit that.

Right now, I just hope that my knee will get better quickly. I still have to take the bus back to Ipoh tomorrow, and teaching means standing all day again. I will try my best to take good care of it and hope this won't happen again. *fingers crossed*