18 March, 2009

Waste-of-time Crap

Exactly a month has passed since I last updated my blog. Didnt have the mood I guess. I have another blog. Although its considered private in a way, its function as my diary has died down eversince last year. Blame myself for the lazyness. It was nice blogging there. Missed it once in a while. I just couldnt abandon it coz it's somehow important to me. Ugh, contradicting words again. Important, yet not treating it that way. A friend who regularly visits that blog of mine asked me the other day, have I abandoned that blog? I told her no, it's just that I didnt have time for it. Ya, even if I have the time, I write here. Though it's not that frequent either. Time... How much time do I have, before school starts, and I enter another new phase of my life?

Form 6 starts in May, most probably. Not sure about the exact date yet. Yes, I'm planning to take F6, if nothing comes in the way. The list of selected students for matrics will only be out a few weeks before F6 starts. I have a feeling that tells me that I'm going back to PCGHS for F6. Well now I do hope I'm going back to F6. I know its extremely hard. But for the moment, I dont mind that at all.

Hmm... I'm kinda confused now. Over what? I dont know. Everything started when I received my SPM results. So I guess I'll just start from there then. I wished hard for at least 7A's. I just couldnt stand getting anything less than that as I scored 7 for both my UPSR and PMR. So ya, I scored EXACTLY 7A's, but I dont seem to be very happy about it. Maybe it's because of my close friends having two digits results, so I'm feeling leftout or somthing. Hahaha. But I think it wore off after a day or two, the leftout feelings I mean. The big blow was my parents. I never knew they expected me to get 10A's that badly. "We know you arent good at your bio and history. So we dont mind that. But we expected you to get A's for all the other subjects you know. Not only 7." I just cant forget what they said. Every single word in the car. Reached home, went into the room to start making phone calls. Calling my primary's english teacher, PMR's tuition english teacher and my SPM's chemistry tuition teacher is a must. I owe these three teachers a lot. They're happy for me, and gave me a lot of advice. They noticed my not-so-happy tone, didnt know that it was that obvious. XP They told me 7 is good enough, but still it didnt cheer me up a little bit. Sorry teachers.

After the calls, dad called me to go downstairs. Oh great, my cousin called up. She was asking my dad why didnt I go and meet her in school when I got my results. Was I afraid of her or what? I was feeling a bit guilty for not getting an A for BM ya, but I can really swear that I couldnt find her. Pei pei just told me she wanted to see me, but didnt tell me where was she. Called her hp, didnt answer. Sms'ed her, didnt reply. Told my dad I couldnt find her, so we headed back home. That was still okay. The most uneasy part was, "Why didnt she get A for BM? Almost whole class scored A wor." This scenario happened exactly two years ago, when I got my PMR results. Back then it was Geography. Her best friend was my geo teacher. Lagi teruk. I must have disappointed them both very much...

Then, dad asked whether I've considered switching to arts stream. I was kinda surprised when he said that. Coz that idea never crossed my head, not even once. I was targeting science stream all the while, thus I have no idea what subjects or which school offers what subjects for arts stream. He explained further that it was because he noticed that all my A's are of math subjects and language subjects, excluding my BM of course. I can consider taking math as extra when I take arts stream. He even called up the school and booked an appointment for me to meet the school counsellor for some educational couselling. Both mum and dad went with me. Actually I didnt want to, but they're so anxious that I cant say anything. So I just followed. One thing I dont really like about counselling sessions, is that there is a high possbility that I can cry, if they mention something I dont want to touch or know or remember. And guess what? They did. Orz. For the first time in years, I broke down in front of my parents and a stranger. Okay, not stranger, but she wasnt that close to me. At that moment, I suddenly realised that actually it wasnt that bad at all. It was just that I have gotten used to my parents expectations so much that I've taken it as a normal expectation, something I should be able to achieve or get. I've been giving myself pressure so much and I didnt notice that. Ish, crying in front of the juniors suck. >_>

It was pretty calm for two days after that. Then, when scholarship offers started coming out in the papers now and then, my parents got worried again. I cant blame them actually. In this situation of what we're facing now, they are very concerned about me getting into the university for sure. They want to ensure that I can graduate with a degree, and find a job with a stable income. Plus I'm the eldest in the family... Haiz. Everyday they asked whether I've applied for any scholarships. Many of them are for STPM students. Even if there are for SPM ones, my results arent good enough to get me anything unless I'm lucky or somthing. XP I'm trying my best to look through everyone of it, to not make them worry so much. But as days passed, I'm getting a little bit tired as not every scholarship is suitable (duh of course) and whats more, I feel like taking F6 more. There was one night, I asked myself, I might as well revise all my basics rather than wasting time looking through bla bla bla and since I'm going F6, for what I'm tiring myself doing all these? I was ranting alone with my pillow and I felt guitly when I calmed down a little a bit. Silly, thats what I can think of to describe myself that time.

I think I've been repeatedly doing this (including the few nights with my pillow) and even me myself is getting sick of this silly behavior of mine. This blog isnt that active, so I guess I wont be disturbing too many ppl by writing these here. For those who're reading this, sorry for wasting your time hearing me blablabla'ing all the crap here. Just cant help it I guess. Think I'd be able to sleep well tonight after letting out a little bit here. XP

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