First-time Hesitation

It's a gloomy morning. I feel like a zombie, wandering every single corner in the house, thinking of what to do. Didnt have the mood to have snacks, neither the mood to fool around online. Tried to teach my baby his chinese spelling and also his math, but he cried, again. I didnt know what to do and gave up...

I signed into msn, and looked at my friends' msn pm's one by one. After reading thru all the 129 messages, I sat quietly in front of this rectangular box and stared into space. Eversince I started using msn, I notice, that I seldom approach my friends online. Only some close ones, like SOBA and D.Gay-people. Others... If I ever nudge or call them, it should be for reasons like 'how are you' and 'are you okay' if I sense anything unhappy from their messages. Other than these, no, I stay quiet online. I dont know, but it's like, I can stay online for ages and nobody actually notices or something. Most of you think I'm super active online, I can fight online, I can blab online, and go high over random stuff. But still, I think I can be pretty quiet too. It's not that everytime I sign into msn, I go crazy and have fun all day. Sometimes its more like lepak. Many told me WAH ONLINE YOU SO ACTIVE AH. SURE BANYAK ORANG CARI YOU KENG GAI. I can be, but not always. Jeez, I find myself pathetic in a way...

I'm going back to Ipoh tomorrow. This time, I'm not sure whether I'm happy or not. A little part of me is looking forward to the study weeks, where I should put every single bit of me into it. I want, and hope, that I can put my head into it and stop getting distracted by things around me. I'm gliding off course. Meanwhile, another small part is like, more of hesitation to go back...? I dont know, I'm confused so I'm not really sure what I'm saying here.

Obviously there's only three reasons (or you can say problems SOMETIMES) which can possibly be behind all these. Firstly, my studies. That's definitely one factor but I'm going to face no matter how hard it takes. For my family. Secondly relationships. As I've mentioned, no I have no bf's and no, eversince my crush ended I have no tinglish feelings towards anyone. Even if I do, I think it's just something a little bit more than frienship, perhaps friends that I can share my problems with. That's all. I refuse to think of anything more than that. I hate to say this but I think it's a super potential distraction. Lastly frienship. I still feel insecure you know... I know its normal, I've only knew them for like 3 months. I really like them, they're great people. But I cant help feeling alone sometimes. Whenever I stopped and stood to see them walk pass me, I see friends in groups and pairs. I know I shouldnt sound so emo, but I cant help thinking that even if I decide to quit from this course or disappear mysteriously one day, no one would actually care... Even if they dont dislike me (or neither like me?), I still feel alone half of the time. Sheesh my roommate's so gonna kill me if she sees this. But hey, even if she DOES want to kill me, I dont mind. Hahaha. I'm grateful to have her as my roommate. She's always by my side when I faced problems.

SOBA I miss you really much... I need hugs...