VULGAR, SO WHAT

This is my place of letting out so I have my rights to spam and swear anyhow I like here and I know there are millions of people who swear even worse than me on their blogs so THERE.

FUCK.

Bored

Almost all the girls have gone out for karaoke a while ago.. Only cherry and I are left in this house.. It's Valentine's Day today so they're going out to celebrate Best Friends' Anniversary instead. XP 

The house is really quiet today.. And I'm only going out at night so I'm having the whole hot afternoon free to myself.. There are assignments but I'm tired to even think about them.. Sigh..

Being Neutral

Another day gone. I've left home and I'm now back in Ipoh. We celebrated shaohui's birthday at shinlin's place tonight. Well, sort of. =)

Nothing much to update about today actually.. Everything is still the same.. Only I enjoyed the short hours with mum and yongyong today. =) Dad misses me I know.. He even called up when I was on the way to the bus station.. I miss them already.. 

My first assignments have finally arrived and from this week onwards it'll be even more tiring than before.. I know busy life will bring changes I dislike again but I know I can do nothing but to face it.. I just hope that I can pull it through again.. 

GOGOGO SHINDEE. ;)

Chilling Down..

Finally managed to chill down by a few percent.. I really miss the warmth..

What's Wrong..

I felt better during the afternoon.. But I don't know what happened and now I feel so wrong.. It's like my mistake has scarred everything and now.. I feel as if the pipe is gonna blow anytime.. I'm trying to think a way out of this but I don't know why the more I struggle the more I fear and the more I don't know what's going on.. What's going on now..

唉

今天的心情转折特别多

就好像搭云霄飞车一样

上上下下

心情起伏很大的一天

空白

在我哭着醒来的那一刻

在我醒来觉得快要窒息的时候

在我睁开眼睛却一点也不愿意醒来的那时候

我知道我还是在乎的

明明是一开始就说好的..

我只需要时间

一切都会过去的

Eff Me

I always make things worse..

Why can't I just stop causing trouble and misery to people I care..

Why can't I just do something right..

The Pain..

I woke up late today. Terribly late. My alarm didn't ring and cherry had to wake me up and luckily I was in time get myself ready in 5 minutes before we leave the house..

Last night I couldn't sleep well again.. Woke up many times in the middle of the night.. One thing I'm glad about is that I didn't have new insect bites. =) I was clever enough to apply medicated oil to my body before I went to bed. ;)

I'm mentally tired today.. Don't plan to think anymore, and not to hope for more. I'm an adult already.. I should be more realistic.. I let myself slack for the entire evening. =) I even learnt a little bit on how to pluck the guitar strings and my fingers still hurt. Although it was only for half an hour or so, it was very relaxing and enjoying. =) The four of us sat on two mattresses and it was a pretty funny scene to hear weirdly-out-of-tune sounds. Cherry already has some basics while Chia and Wendy have just started their first guitar lesson last night. So apparently I'm the only one who haven't got a single clue on how to play this instrument. XP I still feel the pain when I type now but it's not a big deal. =)

I started watching Alice Academy, another anime series. It's a short 26-epi and I simply watch this childish anime coz it was the first anime I watched on Animax back then and I only got to watch the first four episodes. I've always wanted to know more about Natsume. =)

My aunt has come, the pain is getting worse but it doesn't matter. It'll just go away sooner or later. =)

Rants

Another disappointment.. Although I understand everything, there is still  A TEENY WEENY BIT of disappointment left.. Sigh. Next time I should just rant here. Facebok is a place of sharing. Ranting here will be better I think.. Coz it's my writing spot and I have all the rights to crap here in anyway I like. All the rants, manja, complaints.. Sigh.. I should have known not everyone can stand me being sulky when I'm disappointed. Weiyun told me before but I'm still the same.. Stupid.. 

Ignore everything I wrote above.. It's just crap. I just feel like writing out rubbish and just hope I can sleep well tonight without tears and insect bites..

CNY(?)

Surprisingly our house has the CNY mood this year. =) We have so many red-cover containers filled with festive cookies. Mum enjoyed decorating our porch wall, and we enjoyed packing souveneirs for mum's customers. =) Although there were sometimes when I really got bored and I had nothing to do.. >< Angpao's are as few as usual, but there's nothing much to be sad about coz it's always been like this. =)

This year's Chinese New Year holidays has been brought forward.. So everyone came back earlier on Day 4 of CNY.. I'm not staying at the hostel anymore.. I've moved out with a few classmates to a new house somewhere near the campus.. I miss sooyin a lot.. I miss the bed talk we always had.. I miss the times when I get back to our small room and we get to talk to each other or discuss about something.. It's like I can seldom chat with her already.. I'm really grateful that we can still go home together and attend certain classes together..

Finally saw dear today. =) Haven't seen him for a week and it seemed so long.. I don't know why but I have this feeling that we're spending time together less.. Or maybe it's really because we seldom have private time already. =) Every week's date is like motivation whenever I feel stressed and tired over work.. It really is a sudden change for me and believe it or not, it's been a month and I'm actually still trying to cope with things.. He has also tried hard to make things better.. Maybe it's just me being unable to cope with everything at the same time. I'll just try harder to take things the easier way.. =)

One week at home will sure make me get homesick soon.. Plus my aunt's coming in a week or so.. I seriously need to get myself ready for this week. It'll be my first official presentation next week and I hope I can perform better this time. (But I always seem to laze around so I think I'm talking rubbish)

All the best tomorrow deedee. :)

Loosening the Grip

I haven't blogged for so long and I'm back to torture your eyes with my rants.. 

I'm repeating my mistakes again.. I'm falling into the same hole again.. After so many unhappiness, I wait every now and then for the miraculous pain reliever.. But who knows, sometimes I can't even get near it.. 

There's always this internal conflict within the hearts of all females I believe. When we're born with the tendency to think a lot, we have to keep ourselves rational at the same time. I myself experience it almost all the while.. I thought I'll live on like this and nothing will happen.. But somehow it blurted out. And the results I get scarred me again.. I still have a lot more to learn.. No matter how much I've learnt.. I'm still climbing up the endless ladder of learning.. And it just gets harder and harder.. And when I fall, the degree of pain is proportional to the height I've climbed.. And the height I've climbed, refers to the amount of effort I've poured in..

It's like sand you know.. You mustn't grip too hard.. You'll lose touch of it so much sooner than you think.. I didn't know that I was tightening my grip slowly.. I should loosen it now.. 

伤心

希望破灭.. 伤心..