Stupid Post. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I really do need to see you guys again... I really miss you all... I'm so tired and I really dont understand how did I manage to survive after all these months not going out to catch up with you guys. I dont know what the hell am I doing now. I cant even write an essay properly and I do feel so damn useless. Throw me into the sea. Stab me with a knife. Stuff me with a great big pillow. Anything. Just let me stop thinking for a while. I've no blardy idea what am I writing here coz I'm just typing out whatever that comes across this stupid empty head but at least I'm backspacing some spelling errors that I notice as I look at the screen whenever I type and oh great, at least I'm good at this. I know I shouldnt post this here and hurt people's eyes but I just dont care anymore coz I really wish I could just stop thinking so much and ya I know I think too much most of the time and great I dont seem to make any sense here anymore. Idiot. When I heard all your voices you have no idea how much I miss you all and just getting out is so damn hard for me that I feel like soooooooooooo what the hell. Cant I just have a break and get rid of everything for at least a day and not even remembering any of it for the rest of the 24 hours. No, impossible. I suck at talking. I always say things I dont mean to and I hurt ppl's feelings most of the time. I suck at talking, in front of strangers too. I'm now so freaked out of this stupid interview and I know I dont need to as everyone kept saying I'll be okay fine dont worry but who knows I'll screw up everything that day and break all the bubbles of those expectations and I dont know whether I can ever look at those faces anymore if I fail. It happened so many times that I'm getting so blardy fed up and I'm just scared so what. Call me a chicken or whatever you please. I just dont know what to do now other than typing like someone who hasnt in ages or what. Yes I should be trying my best to write but I just cant seem to squeeze out even a word. Ya I'm an idiot, wasting my time like this I know. I suck at malay. Otherwise even with such a good bm teacher how could I have ended up among the rare ones in the class who didnt get grades good enough for bm? Fine call me a kiasu too and its even more silly being a kiasu when you always su. And the more I use my head the more I think of super not supposed to think things that make me go haywire like this and now I'm even beginning to count out my failures. I'm getting ready for this interview to get myself to teach kids but I cant even handle this small rascal at home properly. I can make him cry easily. I'm a bad sister and I suck at housework. I dont seem to do anything right. Mum's right. I'm one spoiled brat. Eventhough I've been helping out with chores for months I still suck at it. I'm still lazy. I just cant stick to plans. I have poor discipline and I've no single clue what the hell was in my seniors' heads when they chose me. I like chinese, but after a few months of not writing in chinese I get so sucky that I find it hard to get back to it. Still so thick faced to say I like this subject. I adore math but I've not been doing anything about it and I'm sure my brain has rusted and by the time I get back to school or anything I'll sure suffer and die. Another point supporting the fact that I'm so thick faced. I'm selfish and how can I still complain about my brother being a fishmonger when I myself suck at being not selfish. I cant help my friends no matter how much I want to. They're facing so much pressure and probably worse than me and I dont know how to comfort or cheer them up. I suck at comforting anyone. Everyone's doing something, on the way to their goals, moving forward while I'm still stuck here, whining like a noisy brat, annoying ppl. And ya, I'm beginning to annoy ppl so much that I'm getting afraid to talk too much to anyone face to face coz I might end up hurting or annoying anyone again and I reallly dont want that to happen again. I'm sorry to those I've lost my temper at and I know no matter how much I apologise the thorn or wound or whatever might still be there and who knows it might never ever be healed and I'm not sure whether you guys will read this or not but I'll just say it here anyway since I'm alrdy ranting non stop. Sorry no cure was one of the lines I used to make jokes with a lot and I know this phrase can be so true that it hurts so much. And great I really dont know what have I been typing for the few minutes or more and I know I'll definitely sound so stupid and kiampak but I think I might be able to count the number of those reading this with two hands, or probably one, and I've really have no idea of how much I've alrdy typed and my hands seems like they can still go on but hell I really know that I should stop now before I continue embarrasing myself here.