FOR YOU, BITCH

I don't know what is your brain made of. You're obsessed like an idiot, that's your problem. Please do not bring it and affect others. 

If you're standing right in front of me right now, I PROMISE I will give you one big hard slap on your face. BITCH.

Blog Challenge - Day 14

DAY 14 - TWO WAYS TO WIN MY HEART

(See Challenge)

Show me care. So easy. But of course, sincere care. I guess this is the reason why I am easily deceived.

Trust. Yes I may be easily deceived, but when I have given chances and chances are not appreciated, I will not trust him or her anymore. Even if I do, I will doubt you. Forever.

Day Thirteen

DAY 13 - 3 WAYS TO MAKE ME CRY

1. Make me angry. VERY, VERY ANGRY. I'll get so angry that after swearing and telling off someone, I'll break out in tears.

2. When I'm touched on the inside, deeply. A simple surprise can bring out my tears.

3. Lastly, and also the easiest way to make me cry, hurt me on the inside. 

Now Day 12

I had a day off with my family yesterday. There wasn't any Wifi, and the DiGi signal was pretty bad over there. So I couldn't update bloggy at all. Anyway I'm back, and this time's topic comes at a really bad time..

DAY 12 - 4 BAD THINGS ABOUT ME

1. I am a passive person. Kinda? I fear the crowd, still I'll try to be the first to talk to anyone, anywhere, when needed. If not, I just hope to be unnoticed at a corner. If possible, I hope an event can just go on and on without any need of speech. Ironically, I know that's impossible, so I must learn how to talk. I shiver inside during presentations damn it. Glad I improved from suffocation to shivering only.

2. I always feel erm, inferior(?) on the inside. When I got into IPIP, I knew I had to do something about it. I started from my appearance. Tried to dress confidently although I'm putting on weight. :( Changed the way I used to talk. Challenged myself to a certain limit for presentations. Things just changed a little bit.. Not enough at all.

3. Although I'm persistent about certain stuff, I'm the kind of person you call a "pua tang zhui". "半桶水" in the Hokkien dialect, literally meaning half a bucket of water, means a person has a little bit of here and there, but not a whole of something. I DON'T HAVE SOMETHING I'M TOTALLY GOOD AT. :(

4. I don't know how to cook. Yes, I suck at cooking. I always say modern girls don't ACTUALLY have to be THAT good at cooking, but it seems to many parents that cooking is a must for girls. 

PHAIL? 

Resuming Challenge D11

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. I know something is wrong already. I can't tell unless I've confirmed about this. 

I've begun to lose interest in the things I love. Weiyun suggested that I start brushing up my writing skills coz it's cathartic. (Yay new word!) I've signed up for a tumblr account and I spent some time exploring it. I like tumblr, really. But I don't have that urge within, you know, to work on it more now.. 

So finally to get back on writing, I decided to continue the blog challenge I've ditched last year. Link here --> My First Blog Challenge

DAY 11 - 5 GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME 

1. I tend to set targets which are slightly higher than the normal standard I can achieve. I think this is a good thing because these targets will push me further and I will (most of the time) end up achieving something better than before. I think everybody needs improvement to survive.

2. I can stick on to my interest for a very, very long period. I know this trait is kind of normal, but not all can actually do it, right? Some people just never stick to a place and they end up loafing everywhere. At least I'm erm, loyal? @@

3. I am polite, I have manners. I believe so. (=3=)

4. I do more for friends I care. It's weird but it is somehow that natural for me. For example, there's this silly and boring homework I need to do but I don't even care about it. I just finish it and hand it in. It can just end that way. However when a good friend comes and asks for a check or opinion or help, I end up helping more than what I did for my own homework. I just feel happy by seeing the smile on these faces. And of course, only for those I care. :)

5. I'm willing to listen to problems. REAL problems, not those hey-im-bored-entertain-me problems. I am definitely not good at talking, not to mention comforting anybody. But I'm definitely always there to listen.

I cracked my head for this post..

静静地

难得全家想一起出去玩，但我一点心情都没有。太多事情，太多问题。一切都是忍太久后所累积出来的后果。生病了，更加造成身心都疲惫。一直以来的“以为”，突然变得很茫然。

原来我做人真的很失败。我一直告诉自己，人人都有他的优点与缺点。所以这几个晚上都在反省。我很努力很努力地在想，想想我自己的缺点和优点。想着想着，我哭了..我真的很差。有优点又怎样？全都被我过多的缺点掩盖了。而且哪些优点很小很普通，又不是我一个人有，不值得一提。缺点却是那些需要的，重要的。幼稚自私还有数不清的烂缺点。这几天想了那么久，原来我真的是个废人，毫无一技之长。是要改，但突然觉得好累。被人讨厌，被人嫌弃，被人骂，果然是活该的..

我要的其实很简单，我只想静静地过完这几天..

闷闷底的开学第一天

在怡保睡了一个晚上，三个字 —— 够难睡！

第一个晚上失眠了，在床上翻身无数次，双眼还是显得精神奕奕的。也许是回到了这里的第一个晚上吧，难免会有些许的不习惯。由于最近在心烦于一些问题，再加上还没完全习惯回到这张床，相信这几个晚上都应该不容易入睡的啦。希望在多几个晚上我会好睡一些啦~

这个学期轮到我兼文书这一职了。其实我有点担心我不太能胜任这个职位。毕竟我有些交通问题，不能随时随地地出去复印班上所需要的文件和笔记等。除此之外，我班很自然地有个“传统”，那就是当学期的文书将在接下来的学期当班长。用我班男生的名言——做鸭了，也可以说是那些 DOTA KAKI 常常挂在嘴边的"GG"。不过班上的每个人都会面对同样的问题的啦，只是谁先谁后而已，我相信我可以想办法解决。再看看吧~

开学第一天挺让人无奈。早上的 BRIEFING 还好。后来我们到课室去打扫。开玩笑，那里简直就是壁虎与蜘蛛的天下。地上原本光滑亮丽（很有打广告的 FEEL 哈哈哈）的地上，都被之前使用这间课室的人踏花了。想一下也应该知道这种地上是不应该穿鞋糟蹋的嘛。不过算了，现在唯一要解决的问题就是如何去除课室里的异味。最好它会在明天自动消失。XD

哦对了，开学第一天就被讲师放飞机了。不只是我们列，还有其他凉拌一起受罪。他还真好意思。== 本来不需要回到学院的每个人，才踏入班上，屁股坐上椅子，就要准备放学回家。Orz

下午想睡个午觉休息，但天气热得很离谱。整个背都被汗淋湿了，怎么睡 WOR~~ 哪里知道一起床，天气开始转凉，这种时间要怎么睡？不上不下的~ 

很闷啊~ 突然有股冲动想一个人出去走走，散散心。如果不是怕被这里会随时出没的 MAT REMPIT 围攻，我现在应该会出去逛两圈再回来。我已经慢慢对CITYVILLE失去兴趣了。玩这种游戏就是要互相帮忙的嘛，我一有空就帮这些“邻居”按上按下的咧~ 偏偏就是很少人愿意帮我。原本又在玩的朋友都一个个少玩了。我在考虑着要不要放弃这个游戏了~ 舍不得的原因是我已经玩了接近一年了，花了好多心思啊~ 还有啊还有啊，如果能撑到农历新年，那就是我和CV的一周年纪念了哈哈哈哈！

唉~ 如果现在能来一杯CHATIME的珍珠奶茶，一边喝一边看戏，那该有多好啊~ =(

异常非常的舍不得

对不起啦，还来不及列出我在2012年为自己所设下的目标，就跳出了这篇程咬金了。

我找不到地方发泄，只好三更半夜从床上爬起来上网写博。明天就要搭巴士回怡保了，我现在感到非常非常的难受。我好不舍得家里，很不舍得父母，不舍得勇勇。虽然有时在家里会因为某些原因而感到很压力，但我真的是开始想家了。我的眼泪就一直流一直流，根本就停不下来。我也不知道为什么今晚会是那么的情绪化，但我真的无法停止哭泣..

曾经有个朋友劝我别常常在这里搞EMO，要乐观点，我也答应了。但今晚的情绪真的很低落。我不是没有努力。我一直不停地告诉自己，新的学期到了，要振作并积极面对挑战，毕竟课业和许多外来压力一定会一波一波的向我卷来。除此之外，在多两个星期就可以放假回家了。忍忍一下，没什么大不了。

但我还是很情绪化。

所以我选择大哭一场。哭完了就要好好睡觉、休息。明天开始准备面对即将来临的挑战。不过我知道明天上了巴士后，我还是会泪满眶盈。希望我会碍于要面子而忍住不哭啦。再来这里发泄之前，为了让自己冷静那么一些些，我还到FB那里逛了两圈。就看到了原来不只是我一个人在哭着想家。

“大哭一场，只为了证明我对家乡的不舍！离开国土，确实像那‘暂时’失根的兰花！”

虽然我是不太明白学妹的后一句啦，只是觉得我们的心情在此刻非常的相像。

总之我想在就很想放纵自己啦。还没离开就已经这么的不舍得了.. 真的很舍不得家里..

WOMG 考试成绩 ?!

晚餐后，看到我班涂鸦墙上多了一个链接，就很兴奋地跑去开来看。怎知被吓得立刻喊了出来，老爸老妈还很紧张得问我发生了什么事。

其实也没什么，只是我们的考试成绩好像出炉了。@@

我用“好像”，是因为听说其他州属的学员可以开始检查自己的考试成绩了，但我们怡保师范学院还不能。从看到链接的那一刻到现在肚子都还在绞痛着。

老实说，我宁愿把责任推到下午吃的那一包椰浆饭，也不会接受我竟然又紧张的这个原因。(=3=)

稿纸上 • 那点墨

失眠 —— 失眠是睡眠障碍中最常见的病症。失眠指的入睡困难、睡眠中间易醒及早醒睡眠质量低下、睡眠时间明显减少，有严重的患者还彻夜不眠。长期失眠易引起心烦易乱、疲乏无力，甚至以头痛、多梦、多汗、记忆力减退，还可引起一系列临床症状，并诱发一些心身性疾病。

最近我的失眠问题又出现了。虽然并不至于整夜完全睡不着，但辗转难眠已经足以让我感到越来越无力。昨晚是几个月以来失眠得最糟糕的一晚：凌晨四点半。又或是五点，我也不清楚了。只记得房间里已经很暗很暗，我甚至无聊地用手在脸前乱晃了几下，验证“伸手不见五指”这句话，得到的结论也证实了我的房间真的很暗了。在那么黑暗的情况下，我竟然还是睡不着。

昨晚在难熬的朦胧当中，我想起了小学时的一段回忆。一段不开心的回忆。UPSR考完了，校方也安排了一些有趣的活动给我们，以免学生来到了学校还无所事事。那天，老师要我们分成几个小组，用一些小材料建小木屋。班上其他四十五个同学都已经分好了，独留我还在寻找。我寻找的不是组员，而是肯收留我的组合。那时老师看着我，我相信她看到了我求救的眼神，但从她口中说出的那句话却让我顿时觉得好冷。

“你去问问看哪一组还少人的。”

我硬着头皮去每一组，逐一地问：“你们还少人吗？”不用想也可以猜到，每组的回答的让我快要窒息。就连所谓的好姐妹都一样。那时除了不解，也很痛。最后老师吩咐我到其中一组，但那并没有让我感到好一些。因为从头到尾，我除了手握住那多余的一瓶浆糊，我连最小块的冰淇淋棒都没碰到，更别提参与那建筑小工程。

躺在床上，我没哭，真的。我反而在想，一件发生在那么多年前的小事也可以无意识地被埋在心的某一个角落，至今还能记得那么清楚，为什么？现在想起来，这条小伤疤都可以跟着我那么多年，那其他小孩呢？是不是也会有某个阴影，一直都在追随着自己？

突然觉得，小孩的学习生涯犹如一张稿纸。纸上已经画好了规律的格子与线条，字字句句至少有了条轨道，没那么容易偏离。然而，写字时的疏忽也扮演着很重要的角色。你不会知道，一个多余笔画，或一没留意就留下的一滴墨，会一直留在那里，永不退散。它在那小孩的未来里，可以是一个骄傲的笔画，也可以是个难忘的错误。就像我的那块记忆碎片。

三年后的我，原来就是扮演着那么重要的角色。也许刚刚那句话会显得有些自恋，但我希望以后的我，不会在那些未来的稿纸上留下这般令人心寒的回忆..